I'd Rather Die: Evan's Shit List

here are the songs i never want to hear again. this list was harder to compile than i thought it'd be. there are tons of songs i hate, but most of them will have some novelty 20 years down the road, or would make for funny covers. i can assure you the songs below don't fit into either category.

further, there are a lot of things said ad nauseum about music that i'd also like to never hear again. here are some examples: "radiohead/oasis/wilco are geniuses, man...they're the best musicians and song writers and omg i have a huge fanboy chubby," "you gotta see phish live, man."

back to the songs:

1 - jason mraz - i'm yours
in singapore, my first experience of "let's take a mediocre song from america and absolutely beat it to death" was with this one. to be honest, i don't have anything against jason mraz and this song is OK on its own, but it's inescapable. a few months ago i kinda lol'd when i couldn't go a day without hearing it. now i have acute anxiety attacks whenever and wherever i hear it.

2 - bon jovi - livin on a prayer
i hated bon jovi even before going to a school full of kids from new jersey. imagine my pain. (note: there is only one place on earth this song should be considered acceptable, and that's at karaoke in Asia)

3 - katy perry - i kissed a girl
katy perry is mildly attractive and has nice boobies, so she can write and sing songs like this. however, prudish, frumpy hetero bitches shouldn't be allowed to sing along. sadly, this happened on an unimaginable scale. shut up or prove it, ladies.

[note: she has jesus tattooed on her wrist. weirdo]

4 - lady gaga - poker face
most of the people who were obsessed with katy perry last year have taken that obsession, multiplied it by 10 billion, and transferred it to lady gaga. i can only imagine what obnoxious unholiness 2010 holds.

5 - gretchen wilson - redneck woman
this is the uggs/northface/pearls white girl equivalent of some upper-middle-class white kid "really connecting" with eazy e.



6 - lee greenwood - god bless the usa
this kid song trash became our de-facto rallying cry post-9/11? you're kidding, right? songs like this are the reason people fly planes into our buildings.

7 - def leppard - pour some sugar on me
"oh you watched coyote ugly, too?!?! omg my fave part was when they got on the bar and danced!! we should do that too!! we are rockstars!!"

8 - green day - boulevard of broken dreams
this and that chemical brothers song from the bud select commercial were the milan versions of "i'm yours."

9 - black eyed peas - let's get it started
i gained a little respect for the black eyed peas when i heard they had a song called "let's get retarded." then they did what i should've expected...they gave in to the pussy-mouthed, rhetoric-fearing general public and changed it to "let's get it started." other than that, the wikipedia entry for this song unintentionally sums up everything i hate about it: (from wiki) "The song was included on the Barbershop 2: Back in Business and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle soundtracks, as well as the soundtrack for the 2006 romantic comedy "It's a Boy/Girl Thing". The song was also STAR World's first SID. It gained popularity as the theme song for the 2004 NBA Playoffs on ABC and was performed live at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. It was also featured in the film White Chicks. It was used in UK advertisements for the game The Urbz: Sims in the City. This song was remixed for The Black Eyed Peas' fifth studio album The E.N.D. as "Let's Get Re-Started."
"Retarded" is sometimes considered an offensive word, making the song unsuitable for play on some radio stations and at sports games. In 2004 the song's lyrics were edited and "Let's Get It Started" found its way onto radio airwaves, movie soundtracks, and video games.

[note: there's nothing wrong with Harold and Kumar]

10 - daniel powter - bad day
anna from the OC is in this video, which is cool, but this song makes me constipated which is totally not cool.

[note: i cried when anna left seth at the airport]



11 - grease - megamix
this song has become more tolerable in recent years, but only in certain contexts (when i'm totally wasted, naked and alone, singing all the girl parts...pretending i had girl parts). still, why was this song played at every fucking high school dance? no, girls, this isn't a fucking "sock hop" and no i won't be your john travlota and yes i'm gonna go drink in the bathroom and come back and grind my uptucked hardon against you when boyz ii men comes on.

12 - tim mcgraw - live like you were dying
fuck you

13 - beyonce - single ladies
this crap is headlining "singapore rocks." fuck me.

14 - nickelback - rockstar
this band makes me wanna kill myself. i could pretty much pick any of their songs and be satisfied with it being on here. they do make me lol, though.


15 - oar - crazy game of poker
fuck this shit so hard in it's stupid richmond frat boy ass.

16 - kanye west - stronger
i hate this song for a number of reasons. first, i think kanye is fucking awful. second, those stupid fuckin things on his eyes. third, i love daft punk so any time i hear this come on i'm like "YES!!! DAFT PU...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

17 - mr. c the slide man - cha cha slide
and i thought the electric slide was fucking retarded.

18 - soulja boy - crank that
i really don't feel like i need to explain myself here

i can't do this anymore. goodbye.

These Songs Make Me Want to Barf

I hate Evan for making me make this. Normally, I don't stress over these mixes. I can flip through my iPod at my leisure and come up with a long list to cull from. For this one, I agonized by searching through iTunes and getting "inspiration" from googling "worst bands" and "worst songs" and "current top 40 hits." Some things I learned:

a. I don't know 35/40 of the current top 40 hits. Of the five I knew, two are on this list. The other three are by Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift.

b. People really hate on Starship's "We Built This City"! I was really surprised.

c. People also really hate on my Phil (Collins). Step off, bitches!

Here you go: Sixteen songs that make me want to barf.

1. U2 - Beautiful Day
Everything about this song annoys me. Everything about this band annoys me. Bono is a self-worshipping dildo. (Sorry.) They write songs to play in stadiums and arenas, and I just can't get with it. The only time I did not want to throw myself off a bridge when this came on was at an indie-rock dance night in DC a few years ago. We were all having a great time being pretentious and moving about on the floor with our Sparks and then all of a sudden - that heart-pouding (lame) opening bit starts. We looked at one another. Looks of WTF. Then we decided to go with it. And by go with it, I mean we SCREAMED "beautiful day" as loud and as obnoxious as possible. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Ugh.


2. Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out?
CHRIST. Are you kidding me? This is a legit song? That was on the RADIO? People are morons. Two things about this song: 1) Of course, it's one of my mom's favorites. She's thinks it's fucking genius. 2) When I was in charge of a college radio station, we did these outreach programs for boyscouts and community groups. Er - well, one boyscout troup came one time. Success! They earned a badge by getting a tour of the station and then recording a song in a studio. What did they want to record? You got it. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? (But screeched in ways only six-year-olds can screech.)


3. Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
44.5 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED THIS NONSENSE ON YOUTUBE.
Maybe they all watched it for the same reason I just did: This is one of the unintentionally funny videos of the ever. Steven Tyler: Have you looked in a mirror? Like - throughout the course of your whole life?


4. Limp Bizkit - Rollin
Guess what wasn't funny? Having people walk past you in the halls in high school and go "Rollin, rollin, rollin" but saying it a little more like "Rowland, rowland, rowland." (That's my last name, BTW.) Awesome guys. Totally original. Can't get enough of your wit. [Also: check out the sad little note from the person who posted this on YouTube: "sorry. my computer has a virus i think and i can't make vids. i made this at my grandparents. i should get a new comp around christmas so hopefully more videos then." Cute!]


5. Rob Thomas - Smooth
Here's another song my mom just absolutely adores. Can you blame her? Rob Thomas is so DREAMY. Who can resist those pierced ears? Kill me.


6. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
I HAVE NEVER SEEN TITANIC. That will never change. How many times were you subjected to this in the '90s. As if hearing over and over and over and over about some movie about a boat that we all know sinks in the end wasn't bad enough. Only time I ever enjoyed this song: When my friend Rob yelled it (YELLED IT) at Nico's Recovery Room karaoke. Still shocked he didn't get beat up. Still shocked that we were regulars at karaoke there and never got kicked out.


7. 50 Cent - Candyshop
UGH


8. Shania Twain - You're Still the One
When I was 15 I got a job. I sold snowcones at Mineral Beach: the community pool in the middle of hicktown, Southwestern, PA. This place was a piece of shit. Literally. Once they found a piece of shit in the pool and they had to close down for three days. My snowcone stand was separate from the regular snackbar. This was good and bad. Good: I didn't have to spend six hours a day in a sweaty kitchen flipping burgers with the backwater teens. I got to sit at my own booth reading books and squirting concentrated nonsense juice onto scoops of ice. Bad: I had NO control over the ONLY radio (because it was located in the kitchen). That was the summer of Shania Awful. And I probably heart "You're Still the One" twelve times a day. It's a wonder I didn't drown myself in the shallow water.


9. Creed - Higher
I cant listen to this or think about this without laughing. Here are two important things I like knowing about Scott Stapp (both from Wikipedia):
- Stapp stated he contemplated suicide sometime in 2003 after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey. He retrieved two MP5's from his collection, put the guns to his head, but failed to pull the trigger after looking at a picture of his son, Jagger. He stated in an interview with Rolling Stone that he was convinced that anyone involved with Creed wanted him dead so he would become a "Kurt Cobain martyr-type" and increase record sales. "I had crazy thoughts going through my head," he says.
- Thanksgiving 2005, Stapp was involved in a brawl with SA Martinez, Chad Sexton, and P-Nut of 311 in the hotel lobby of Baltimore's Harbor Court Hotel. Stapp made inappropriate remarks to Martinez's wife, which caused Sexton to ask him not to disrespect the lady's presence. Stapp then asked Sexton to have a shot with him at the bar. Before the shots were even served, Stapp sucker-punched Sexton. That punch grazed Martinez's wife, which got him involved with the fight. They held Stapp down until security arrived.


10. Eminem - Lose Yourself
Am I the only person who just didn't get why this was such a big deal?


11. Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
I was going to write something about this song, but then I fell asleep. I always hated this song. Then there was a scene in one of my guiltiest of guilty pleasure movies where one of the main characters goes ON AND ON about how awesome it was to hear this song and think about how her mom smelled or something. Worst five minutes of that movie. Terrible, barf-worthy five minutes of song.


12. Four Non Blondes - What's Up
Most obnoxious of all time? Ha ha ha ha ha ha to the '90s.


13. Prince - [entire catalog]
Two of my good friends LOVE Prince. I think they'd take a bullet for him. I certainly would not.


14. Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling
I gotta feeling that evil robots composed and recorded this song. Are there any actual instruments or humans that created this? Holy shit: this is what people consider music. It boggles my mind that with all the outlets and avenues that exist these days to find legitimately GOOD music that people will still listen to this multiple times a day. That part where it "kicks in" [right before the 1:30 mark] is pretty much a death rattle for all worthwhile music that exists today. UGH UGH UGH UGH. (Also: my mom's current favorite song.)


15. Kings of Leon - Use Somebody
Here's what I think happened: Somewhere amidst my Canadian travels I was abducted by aliens. And during my abduction, this band called Kings of Leon started to slowly gain recognition. When I was brought back to Earth, everyone LOVED this band. They were playing fucking arenas before they were playing clubs. (At least, I never ever ever saw them advertised at the Paradise or Middle East in Boston. Maybe they started at the House of Blues?) And now I have to hear this guy nasaly while "somebody" just about every time I'm subjected to the radio. Terrible. Run into a hole and die.


16. Dropkick Murphys - Shipping Up to Boston
How happy will I be when this is no longer part of my life? [I can feel the flack coming at my fast. I think it's time for me to make like a tree and leave.]